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I know this will come as a shock to you,
but even I, Andy Larkin, Master Prankster,
need to keep learning to keep on top of my game.
I have to say, during my latest endeavor,
my failure to learn the importance of three basic fundamentals,
fate, intuition, and observation,
proved to be my undoing.
Uh, four?
Well, I said I was a Master Prankster,
not a Master Mathematician.
Anyway, let me explain.
It was a week ago, and Dad had invited
his roommate to a party.
His work buddy, Henry Dorsett,
and his wife, Rose, over for dinner.
May I be excused?
I'm going out with Terry tonight.
But, Jen, you haven't finished your dinner.
Mom, I can't eat all this.
The school gymnastics meet is next week.
Gymnastics takes strength, Jen,
and strength requires eating.
I know, but all the other girls are lean and mean.
I can't show up looking like a fat pig.
Jen, you've hardly got any meat on your bones,
as it is.
Dad's right.
You're a thin pig.
Shut your piehole, dweeb.
Kids.
When I weighed myself this morning,
I'd gained a pound.
If I put on any more,
I'll look terrible in my new gym suit.
Jen, that's a very superficial attitude.
Remember, looks fade eventually.
It's what's on the inside that counts.
Spoken like an ugly, middle-aged guy.
Your father's right.
When we were married,
we vowed it was for better or worse,
no matter how fat, old, or wrinkled we became.
Hold on.
Do we have that in writing?
All attempts at humor aside,
we pledged to accept each other as we were.
Ha! I can't even remember the last time I weighed myself.
Me neither. Who needs it?
Thanks for making everyone think I'm really shallow.
Aw, Jen, don't be silly.
We don't think you're shallow.
We know you're shallow.
Andy!
Well, if Jen can leave the table, so can I.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Besides, if I have to listen to any more of that,
I'm gonna hurl.
Hmm, sibling rivalry.
Looking back, if I hadn't been in such a rush
to meet Danny at the Beans and Burger,
I would have picked up on more of the dinner conversation
and my prank's outcome might have been different.
In a good way.
But that's fate.
This evening has been really something, Frida.
I hope you won't forget us after Al here gets that...
big promotion.
Hold your horses, Henry.
That floor manager position isn't a done deal.
I still have the interview with Timberley next week,
and I'm not the only candidate for the job.
I'll let you in on a little secret, Al.
Timberley is a health nut,
and he likes his managerial staff to be the same.
Your nearest challenger, Mackenzie,
is out of shape and overweight.
You're a shoo-in, Al, old boy.
Well, I'm not too sure if that's fair.
Shouldn't the promotion be based on experience, not appearance?
Uh, yes, definitely.
I agree with you, honey.
Mmm.
Next week is the annual birthday party.
It's the annual Beans and Burger Fastest Eater competition,
and I'm in training.
The first prize is a free special chef plate
every day for a month, and I plan to win it.
Pretty impressive.
Nine in a minute ten.
Yes!
It doesn't occur to you that with the money
you've spent on training burgers,
you could have bought a special chef plate
every day for two months?
It's not the money.
It's the thrill of competition.
The sweet smell
of success.
Not to mention the sweet smell
of a month's supply of beans.
All I can say is don't come crawling to me
looking for handouts when I'm sitting here
tucking into my first prize booty.
What was that, Larkin?
Did I just hear you say first prize booty?
I happen to be having a private conversation
with my associate here.
Please don't bring me into this.
Oh!
Thanks, Andy.
If you don't tell us what this first prize booty
is all about, you'll get the same.
If you must know, I was referring to the first prize
in the fastest eating competition.
Don't make me laugh, Larkin.
Yeah, don't make me...
Laugh?
You couldn't eat your way out of a cinnamon-flavored bag,
Larkin.
I'm sorry.
Stop my feisty bag, Larkin.
I'm too big a person to be goaded
by a moron like Lick.
A mouse with no mouth could eat faster than you.
I'm too strong-willed to let him get to me.
And that little girlfriend of yours, Lori.
She could eat faster than you because she's a real...
Oinker.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
I love these philosophical debates.
I could eat faster than you even if you hadn't eaten for ten days
and you're given your favorite dish, stupid pie.
Uh-oh. I think I just crossed the line.
Okay, Larkin, here's the deal.
If you don't win that competition, you have to do anything we say.
And if I do win?
Don't push it, Larkin.
You're lucky you're still breathing.
Sounds fair.
I can hardly believe it.
Our 20th high school reunion next week.
It seems like we were graduating only yesterday.
It'll be so nice to see the old faces again.
Old being the key word here.
I do wish you'd stop trying to be funny, dear.
You'll never guess who's going to make an appearance after all these years.
Beth Comley.
Beth Comley?
I thought she moved away.
She did.
But now I hear she's thinking of moving back.
She always had the boys sniffing around.
Quite a looker, if I remember.
Which I don't.
I mean, I...
Didn't she have mousy brown hair?
Blonde.
I wonder if she's managed to keep that slim figure of hers.
Ah!
You are an out-of-control eating freak.
And you are just an out-of-control freak.
And you're childish.
Maybe, but at least I have a personality.
Don't stop me.
I'm on a roll.
Looks like the roll's on you.
Roll of fat, that is.
I've never seen so much puppy fat.
Come on, Leech.
Let's get out of here.
Let's get out of here before Larkin starts barking.
I swear, Jen will pay for embarrassing me in front of those two idiots.
What's so funny?
Larkin starts barking.
Larkin.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ah!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ah!
Andy, wait till I've finished.
Get out!
If you didn't notice, I was here first.
Listen, Burger Brain.
I need to weigh myself.
And to get a true reading, I have to do it before I eat.
And I have to do it naked.
Thank you for thinking of me and my potential loss of appetite.
I'm off.
Jen, sit down and eat something.
Breakfast is the most important thing.
It's the most important meal of the day.
Remember, a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
I'm getting worried about Jen.
She's too obsessed with her weight.
Mm-hmm.
Of course.
Why didn't I think of it sooner?
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Watch out, Jen.
You're about to meet the Scales of Justice.
Ah!
I know.
You're dying to find out what my brilliant plan is.
It's so simple, it's beautiful.
First, I return the disc to the scale.
Then I put back the pointer.
Then all I have to do is slip one of Mush's special discs
over and under the pointer,
which is held in place on top of the original,
by these magnets on the back.
Voila!
Now here's the cunning bit.
Each one of these discs has been made
to register an incorrect reading.
Five pounds over, ten pounds over,
fifteen pounds, and twenty pounds.
All I have to do is slip in a new disc every day
and Jen will start believing she's a blubber butt.
And what happens if your mom and dad step on it?
Don't you worry your pretty little head about that.
They never weigh themselves.
I heard them say it.
Andy, wait till I've finished.
I heard them say it.
I heard it, brother.
Wow.
This fried chicken is really juicy and tender today.
Chef Bert has outdone himself.
He's a genius with hot peppers.
You okay, Dad?
Yeah, yes. Yes, everything's fine.
How did I miss it?
I should have realized that all was not right.
Intuition.
Huh?
No, not another five pounds.
This can't be happening.
Is everything all right, Jen?
Yes, Mom.
I just, uh,
trod on a spider.
Sounds like the hot air cycle on the dryer
worked better than I anticipated.
What's the matter, Frida?
You look tense.
I have to tell somebody, Rose.
I'm really nervous about meeting Beth Comley again.
She was always better than me at school.
Better looking, better standing in line,
better boyfriends.
Do you think you were the only one jealous of Little Miss...
I have to beat the boys off with a stick, Comley?
But what's the problem?
Doll yourself up and go knock them dead.
I was planning to,
but for some unexplained reason,
I was afraid to do it.
For some unexplainable reason,
I've started to gain weight.
Ten pounds over the last two days.
And the reunion is in three days' time.
What can I do?
Whoa, ten pounds in two days?
What are you eating?
Nothing more than usual.
The problem is,
the job interview with Health Nut Timberley
is in three days,
and I'm going to make Mackenzie
look like Kiefer Sutherland.
What can I do?
The gymnastics meet is this Friday.
And by then,
you'll be able to use me
as a medicine ball.
What can I do?
First of all,
your mom's meals contain more fat
than a bacon factory.
Lay off for a few days.
Eat something healthy.
Cut out the fatty foods for a few days,
eat something healthy,
and throw in some exercise.
Beth Comley must never again
make us feel like dogs.
Cut out the fatty foods for a few days,
eat something healthy,
and throw in some exercise.
Your promotion may depend on it.
I can't not eat mom's food.
My parents will think I'm shallower
than they already do.
I can't suddenly stop cooking.
Al doesn't even know I've weighed myself.
I can't suddenly stop eating Frida's cooking.
Frida doesn't even know I've weighed myself.
Do what you have to do,
but cut out the fat.
Do what you have to do,
but cut out the fat.
Do what you have to do,
but cut out the fat.
Cause we're not fat,
brownies.
Oh, no!
node
ie
IDA
IDA IDA
IDA
Mm-mm.
Ooh.
Oh!
Aww.
If you want to see your next birthday, get out now.
Breakfast! Get your butts down here!
I expected Jen to be in a foul mood, but Mom and Dad?
How could I have been so blind?
Observation.
Whoopee. I am now 20 pounds overweight.
Shit, please.
How did the meat go?
Fine. Until the human pyramid.
Hmm.
How did your reunion go?
Oh, just hunky-dory.
Beth Blonde Rich and Beautiful Comley was there.
How did she look?
She'd put on a few pounds, but everyone agreed she looked fabulous.
I, on the other hand, spent the entire reunion trying to explain
that I was not suffering from a life-threatening illness.
Call me paranoid,
but this does not look good.
I didn't get the promotion.
Why not?
For two reasons.
First, for some ungodly reason,
Timberley didn't think I looked strong enough
to take on added responsibilities.
And second?
It's a little embarrassing.
Hey, after this evening, I know embarrassing.
What happened?
Well, I was telling Timberley that I was stronger than I looked.
In fact, I'd recently gained 20 pounds.
But when I stood up to make my point...
I'm a weak person.
I've secretly been dieting and weighing myself.
It was because of this promotion nonsense.
Can you forgive me?
I have a confession to make, too.
I got caught up in this Beth Comley thing.
I've been dieting and weighing myself, also.
Seeing as everyone is spilling their guts,
I'm not going to give up.
Me, too.
Well, how much did you lose?
I didn't.
I gained 20 pounds.
Me, too.
We've all been dieting.
Yet we've all put on...
Exactly 20 pounds each.
And...
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
I hate to eat and run, but...
I'm still not sure which one of them won the fastest eating competition, but it doesn't matter.
What is important is that I didn't.
And now I have to carry out Lick and Leech's demented demands.
With all that extra food over the last week, I guess I have put on a few pounds.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm now the fattest member of the Larkin clan.
Well, almost.
But you are pretty fry now.
I thought we were professional at the tail end of the event, my favourite blockie.
But hole in I yeah.
That's interesting.
I mean, I don't get enough
that I can none of this sort of thing anyone has ever tried.
Now.
I'm blue.
I don't get it, either.
Thanks for watching!